22 — #1. Tragedy
This marks as the most extreme points in my little bubble
Hi, it’s Nad again. This clearly ain’t my first writing here on Medium, but surely the first time I write about myself. A little bit weird and irrelevant as the previous articles mainly focus about things I’m into — not me. But I hope those give you insight of what topics that really draw my attention, at least nowadays.
So, yeah. Here we go. I finally, officially, introduce myself through this awkward writing. Little did you know, I have no idea which part of me should I let its story unraveled as an appetizer but let’s just use retrospective way to tell my story. With that being said, I’ll go with the present — specifically what I currently do and feel at the moment.
It’s rainy Saturday here in Cianjur, as well as the last day before I leave the city. I was welcomed with heavy rain and make a farewell with stormy day again at the very end. No warm greeting and goodbye as the weather gradually declines as hours passed by.
I’m writing here while looking through the window. Something crossed my mind immediately, urges me to think of things I’ve been through the past years. Funny to see how life changes and where the destiny eventually puts me. I was a fresh graduate, still trying to figure out what to pursue next, questioning my self-worth, getting lost in the moment while life knocked me down as my dad went away to heaven.
I lost my dad,
and myself, as well.
Part of me died that day.
5 years, the father-daughter bond finally emerged 5 years ago and continued to grow 5 years later before it came to an end in 2021 — months after I succeeded my thesis defense. I haven’t showered him enough with love and am still aiming to receive more love from him — the figure of father I’ve been dreaming of. Although he’s gone, his huge smile, his intimidating eyes, his rough hands, and his warm hug will continue to remain.
My family — I, my mom, and my bro definitely fell to the rock bottom. Our life went down afterwards, yet this pushed us to move forward as life continues. Tears, sadness, disappointment, are all left behind. We even moved to a new house — which where we reside now to escape the memory of him.
Months after months, it still undeniably hurts like hell. In the lonely nights, his face came up my mind and I immediately started crying as our memory was playing in my brain. The sadness was too loud, but still nobody noticed as I covered it with a huge smile — not wanting the pain and the broken puzzle to be seen.
It has almost been a year since he’s gone. Gratefully, we are now in a much better place. I guess it was due to our tight schedule. My family started a laundry business and a small ‘retail’ in our house. My bro was busy with his university life, and I — thankfully moved to a, not so, new and strange city to start a new chapter.
I’m now working in my dream company after a 3 month-recruitment process and 2 months of being ghosted. It actually still seemed like a dream as I couldn’t believe I finally made it. But here I am, worrying how Monday goes and anxiety rent for free in my mind. Still, again, questioning my capacity and my ability to meet the company standards as I feel left behind.
I still remember clearly how excited I was when I got the offering letter on my email. I cried and ran towards my mom and gave her a very tight hug. I screamed inside my heart — I presented this for her. If my dad was here, he would immediately pick me up from home and help me find the most worth it flat in the capital city.
But this is life, some scenarios can merely be created in our imagination. Sadly, they can’t turn into reality. I learned my lessons through this worst and hardest goodbye I’ve ever encountered in life. The thing is, life surely has no mercy. Bounce back was the only option. You can’t stuck on bad days forever, but you can always choose to win over life.
I hit the rock bottom, I did. I was breaking apart. But I gained power as I was willing to rise up. I might have not reach the most up in my life yet, but I know I’m heading to that point right now. I’m so proud I can find this blessing in disguise. Even though things are not easy, which it clearly won’t, I still managed to stand with my feet and walk to my future.
Nad, no matter how often I question your worth, I believe you can make it one day. Don’t let the fear stop you from getting what you want. It’s a poison, and you know what to do towards a poison, don’t you?
Yes, remove it immediately.
